Heaviest Element Discovered: Governmentium
A major research institution (MRI) has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science.
The new element has been tentatively named Governmentium (Gv). Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take from four days to four years to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of three to six years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
See also the description of the other new discovered element, Capitalisium. According to Dan Brook,
(C)apitalium is way larger than any other element, indeed possibly larger than all others combined, and it constantly seeks to incorporate or otherwise use the other elements to power itself. Indeed, about half the world’s power is already stored up in a mere 2% of elements — which happens to be mostly Capitalisium. To accomplish this, Capitalisium seems to use a vast and complex network of proleterions and peons, overseen by bossons, greedons, scamons, and other exploitatrons, all of which are filtered through mass marketrons. This process tends to create a small albeit caustic class of free market radicals, which spread globally and are highly corrosive to Democracium (Dm).
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What did you eat for breakfast today, PG? ;-) The laughs keep coming. For a moment there I really thought this was serious–you got me!
Sometimes I also think governmentium is the most abundant element in the earth’s crust, and possibly below it.
Love it!